your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
