i think i have two assholes
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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