the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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