and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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