I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
