Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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