someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize
