I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
