Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
