Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
