A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
