Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
