I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
