So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
