Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Boobs are out for the taking
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
