this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
