Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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