my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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