I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
