On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
