I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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