My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
