I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
