it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
