Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
