Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize