Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize