so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think I am morally bankrupt
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
