he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
