so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it was like eating out sand paper
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
