I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
