dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
