I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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