Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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