I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
