I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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