Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
