The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
