i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
