hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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