I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
zippers are such a cool invention
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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