Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
