She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize