I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i already hear my dad disowning me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What a dumb baby whore.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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