I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
