I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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