just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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