I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
