I haven't been this sober since birth.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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