I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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