Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
