Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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