dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
