Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
even my farts smell like vagina
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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