Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
