I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
