I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
