If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
