Plan B is the new Plan A
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
