my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
