Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
