who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
