I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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