Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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