its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
