That's intense
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
