just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
